A Different January

Hey so it has been a little bit. I turned off my tasks for the last few weeks. Sometimes you just need to make a to-do list that only contains rest, but you have to get through the first week of rest tension due to not achieving things you can see before you can reach a true resting point. Relaxing and sitting in silence are achievements in my book and we need them. I’m still trying to embrace that part of my book though. How many people can say they are content being alone with their own thoughts? SOS.

Being sober, you cannot not feel. That’s the whole point. To numb yourself by getting drunk or high doesn’t stint or stop anything – it delays, deepens, and backtracks you entirely. If I get to a certain level of feeling overwhelmed I start to spiral and I want to make it stop. I can’t identify a problem because there are so many uncontrolled variables and I’m paralyzed with anxiety. Depression has more recently started to join anxiety and they like to collaborate in the attempted takedown. I had a lot of these experiences last year, and they stemmed from what I like to call comparison anxiety.

My personal definition of comparison anxiety – because I think this is a made up term lol – is when you see others doing what you’re not doing, which is basically just succeeding in a way you want and you feel inferior. The longer you scroll, the more you “see” success you are not obtaining and you start to tell yourself you’re a failure. “See” is in quotes because social media isn’t real life. If you needed to hear that, hello and welcome. I also needed to hear it!

The real sad sad saddd part about this is that I am succeeding in other ways I am refusing to recognize AND if others are succeeding in positive ways – why is that discouraging? What even is encouragement if you can’t feel thankful that success is possible (number 1) or that seeing people achieve their goals is wonderful. This is an entirely separate spew about negativity being the focus of the world today, pitting people against each other and being selfish vs thankful, collaborative, encouraging, and kind. That’s all for now.

Okay so back to this: I have a hard time not being self critical. I tend to create an area to backslide called ‘unnecessary blame/worry’ in a lot of situations. So if I’ve been working towards something without the progress I want, and I see others achieving whatever that is.. It must be me. My thoughts start to rapidly form sentences overtop of themselves with things like “Give up.” “You aren’t (insert: talented, experienced, confident) enough.” “No one wants to hear what you have to share.” “Your music is too (insert: moody, piano-y, stupid, lame).” And on and on and on. It’s a vicious cycle that I have struggled to gain enough momentum within to shoot me off the endless track once it gets going. 

So my thoughts as I approached January were focused around changing all of this but how? Because relapsing isn’t an option and I’m not here to hold back on you (maybe just share in pieces so I don’t scare anyone lol) … I curled up in the fetal a lot thinking about relapsing during those moments of comparison anxiety last year. Numbing is always my first thought, but I said ‘attempted takedown’ earlier because a successful takedown would be a relapse and everyday I don’t relapse is a success. That’s part of how to change: perspective. Another way to put that is changing how I think, which is very important and powerful. This includes my view of myself and my self worth, giving myself grace, having gratitude, CHOOSING joy, praying, and remembering my journey is no one else’s and their journey is not mine either.

Something you will see me reiterate in most of my blogs is the importance of finding your support person if you don’t have one. A friend to share and seek encouragement from. It’s hard (understatement) to let your walls down. Sometimes what happens after is not what you wanted, but it could be miraculously more than you thought you needed. Never stop trying.

Listening to and writing music for me, of course, have been cathartic tools to say the least. So to end this very roller-coaster-ish post.. I want to share a playlist of songs that have allowed me to feel without being afraid and let me embrace loneliness, but also feel less isolated and more encouraged. We cannot go at full speed all the time and we cannot punish ourselves for struggling or not being something or somewhere we aren’t. We aren’t useful where we are not.

Hit pause on your life and lay on the floor with headphones on. As an adult I absolutely do this with my dog. He doesn’t have headphones, but I don’t think he cares. I hope some of these songs can be a positive thing for you. They have been lifelines for me.

(Playlist link at the end!)

Some tidbits on why these artists and songs wander around inside my heart in such a special way:

• Radiohead, Thom Yorke, and the Smile have encompassed most of my listening time for a while, but especially when I feel undefined or can’t define what I need. 
• Paramore’s “After Laughter” is angsty, poppy, and sarcastic. Singing with Haley Williams is just fun as heck.
• Atoms for Peace feels like organized chaos and sometimes so beautiful because of the manipulated sounds that experiencing it sober makes me so thankful. 
• Jimmy Eat World is nostalgic and I love his voice. “Love Never” has a line they repeat quite a bit “.. until you want the work more than the reward.” 

• The Smile:
  • Open the Floodgates, Speech Bubbles, Pana-vision, Skirting on the Surface, Free in the Knowledge
• Radiohead:
  • Follow me Around, Daydreaming, Decks Dark, Let Down, Reckoner, How to Disappear Completely, Burn the Witch, Desert Island Disk, Nude, House of Cards
• Thome Yorke:
  • I Am a Very Rude Person, The Eraser, Skip Divided
• Atoms for Peace:
  • Default, Ingenue, Reverse Running, Before Your Very Eyes
• Paramore:
  • After Laughter – entire album
• Jimmy Eat World:
  • Love Never, Kill, Futures, Pain

• Jack’s Mannequin’s The Glass Passenger has this song that has saved my life many times over the years.
  • Swim
• Stevie Wonder pretty much just is joy, so..
  • Visions, Bird of Beauty, As, Smile Please, Love’s in Need of Love Today, Please Don’t Go
• Derek and the Dominos: Read about Eric Clapton if you don’t know his story. He is sober :).
  • I Looked Away, Bell Bottom Blues, Why Does Love Got to be So Sad, Keep on Growing
• Paul Simon:
  • I’d do it for your love, Gone at Last, Slip Slidin’ Away, Still Crazy After All These Years, Have a Good Time
• Jeff Buckley:
  • Lover, You Should’ve come Over, Corpus Christi Carol, Mojo Pin, Eternal Life
• Ella Fitzgerald: On Let No Man Write My Epitaph she is accompanied by piano only. I listen to this record late at night in my home sometimes and find so much peace in her voice and the soft piano.
  • Let No Man Write my Epitaph – entire album

• Beck: This song was on the soundtrack for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. The strings ache me and sometimes I need it.
  • Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometime
• Supertramp: Breakfast in America album in its entirety is glorious.
  • Just Another Nervous Wreck
• Beatles: Sometimes I just want to hear John Lennon’s voice. I’ve loved this song since I was very young.
  • You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away
• Harry Styles: Do not underestimate his first record, Harry Styles.
  • Meet Me in the Hallway, Sweet Creature, Ever Since New York, Two Ghosts
• The Who: Most of my childhood was consumed by these lads. Most of the songs Pete sings hit me differently though. This one in particular.
  • I’m One
• Paul McCartney: If I just want to feel good and free .. I will listen to this twice :).
  • Flaming Pie – entire album

Alright everybody. That was a lot! I hope it wasn’t too overwhelming – LOL. In seriousness I really hope it wasn’t. One day I’ll create playlists on Apple and Spotify, but I know everyone has access to YouTube so that’s where this playlist will live for now.

LISTEN TO THE PLAYLIST HERE!

You can reach the surface <3

Anne, Swim Effect Founder

PS…