Holiday Feelings

The past few years I’ve heard more people saying they can’t wait for the holidays to be over and it’s the most depressing time of year for them. I’ve seen posts saying that people need to be more aware of the fact that not everyone just erupts with joy because they can’t wait to put up their Christmas tree on November 1. Personally, I start the countdown to Halloween on November 1. It’s the supreme holiday!  

Jokes aside, I get it and I’m there. The holidays are complicated. Family gatherings aren’t always cheerful. Some don’t have family to visit or can’t travel to see them (loneliness). People grieve for lost loved ones during this time – me included. Yearly reflection and evaluation starts to creep up. Pure busyness heightens stress. It gets dark at 4:30pm instead of 8pm. Money gets tight. Relapse risk is higher. The reasons are endless.

For most of my life I never felt the holidays could ever be anything but mystical and magical with joy encompassing you on all sides until the last couple years. My family always has big Christmases and they’re lovely. Music, cookies, games, cousins, baking, eating, gifts, hugs, etc. We’ve had decades of family togetherness that I know is rare and I am thankful for that.  And when I first got sober, I didn’t feel much difference with the holidays. I have some theories, but what I really think is important to note is that it takes one moment to make the decision to quit drinking or using. But it’s a repeated decision you make every day, and it takes much longer to transform and grow in it. 

I noticed a big shift in myself when I was sick for Christmas in 2021. I stayed home so it was just my husband, Justin, our dog, Dembe Zuma (if you watch The Blacklist you know), and myself. Honestly, it was kinda peaceful for us. I had been working full time somewhere and was gigging a lot on the side. Depression and anxiety had been sky high for almost two years since the pandemic had started and that December was the craziest I’d had. I missed my family, but I was exhausted. My enthusiasm to put up a defense wall around myself when alcohol was around had been used up for the month. I felt somewhat relieved I didn’t have to do that again until 2022. I felt weird about it, though.

I’m still trying to sort of figure out this internal conflict, because for most of this year I thought maybe something with me needed to be fixed to get back to this effortless holiday joy I used to have. A lot of alcohol suppressed things surfaced the last year and a half and that surprised me along with the struggle to get through them. I was 4 years sober and confused at the amount of baggage I still had buried. I overbooked myself partially to avoid my own thoughts and come September I thought maybe just tolerating myself would be fine, but I was tired of constantly feeling weak, overwhelmed and in the relapse red zone. I was having pre-anxiety about anything post-Halloween because I just had no idea how to rally myself. Christmas music wasn’t appealing to me. As a musician and avid Christmas bopper (what I call dancing alone in your home), that made me even more depressed. 

I believe in God and I believe we go through trials that He uses to transform us to be better and stronger. My priorities have been changing through the trial I’m currently in. My relationship with alcohol is still changing. The holidays are the same, but I’m not. My relationship with the holidays have changed and that’s okay. Some days won’t be as easy as others, and I have to be aware of that to make a healthy decision. It could be to leave an event early, bring a bud, both, or not go. Things that surface need to be patiently dealt with and if that overlaps from September through December, so be it. Those might seem obvious, but they aren’t easy to implement – sober or not. Note to self: Give yourself some grace.

Maybe that’s what healing is? Just because you don’t fit into something that already exists, doesn’t mean you’re a problem. Just because you’re struggling, doesn’t mean you’re failing. Just because you want to live a different type of life, doesn’t mean you should feel insecure. It’s not really anyone’s business why you do what (unless you share it like in a blog lolz). And joy can be found all year in any time of your life. I truly believe that. 

All this self analysis to say.. If you struggle with the holidays each year, don’t lose hope in change. Please keep trying. For me it took patience, prayer, God, friendship, music, quiet time, and rest amongst other things for me to start to understand and believe in change and the good things that it can bring. I personally would recommend full on sobriety if you haven’t tried that. Even if you don’t feel you’re reliant on a substance, a lucid mind can tell a truth from a lie and allow you to grieve, heal, and forgive. It’s hard to feel all those things, but on the other side is joy and that is so worth it.

Whether you believe in God or not – don’t stop seeking answers for how and where to find joy, especially during the times you feel hopelessness. If we stay in our own darkness, it will fully consume us. Sometimes it’s hard to see that we can make a choice to think about things differently, but we aren’t alone in that type of struggle and we must be patient. Relational support is so important here. Don’t be afraid to share these thoughts with someone who you call an encourager. 

Sooo how does Swim Effect fit in with all these thoughts? I want to provide a substance free holiday function(s). All would be welcome. And for those who never had or don’t currently have the family togetherness I have had my whole life.. I hope something like this would provide that for you. Sober Holiday events filled with lots of music coming 2023!

Thanks for reading this heavy post. I hope that you find peace during the remainder of this holiday season and feel encouraged. Don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you ever want to. 

One last thing… I want to ask you a question I was asked a few weeks ago that changed my perspective quite a bit: What can you do to feel joy during the holidays? 

My answer: We previously decided not to get a Christmas tree this year because we just didn’t think we’d have time and my heart actually sank. So when I was asked this question, we prioritized getting one instead. I leave those lights on 24 hours a day, baby. 

It snowed last weekend and that wasn’t anything I did, obviously, but I chose to take a break in my day to watch it fall and it was lovely. I’m a December babe so I wish for snow every year – duh.

I watched a Charlie Brown Christmas with Justin and my best friend, Alex. I do this every year for my birthday and it hasn’t failed me yet.

I finally chose to ignore my bummer mood desiring to listen to bummer music and I put on Stevie Wonder and Charlie Brown Christmas records. 10/10 would highly recommend. Music heals, don’t ya know?

Few of my favorite holiday records for funsies:

What about you, reader? What can you do to feel joy during the holidays?

Keep reaching for the surface <3

Anne, Swim Effect Founder